|
Products | Support | Search | Cool Content | ||
| Email Me | Computer Generated Summary | | |||
by Christine Weiss
16650 N. E. 89th
Redmond, WA 98052
425-883-2669
Facing Fatherhood
During the past decade a fatherhood movement has begun to sweep the United States that has increased the perception and appreciation of the roles which fathers play in shaping our country. This movement is gaining momentum thanks to the dozens of father advocacy organizations such as the National Fatherhood Initiative, the National Institute for Responsible Fatherhood and Family Development, MAD DADS, Promise Keepers, and National Centers for Fathering. Together these organizations seek to educate the public on the necessity of fathers, and what can be done to support and encourage active & involvement in their children's lives. Considering that between 1960 and 1990 the percentage of fatherless homes has tripled, this rise in awareness is badly needed (Horn, 1997, p.1).
Fatherlessness as discussed in this essay, will encompass more than children living without a father because of divorce or unwed births, although these are the leading causes of fatherlessness. Fatherlessness includes fathers who do not actively participate in their child's life, even when they live under the same roof. David Blankenhorn a leader in the fatherhood movement with his 1995 book entitled Fatherless America states that: "Tonight, nearly 40 percent of all children in America will go to bed in a home without their father available to read them a bedtime story, bring them a glass of water, and give them a good night kiss. Many millions more live with disconnected, neglectful, and sometimes even abusive fathers" (p. 1). Frank Furstenberg and Andrew Cherlin in a 1991 study concluded that "for children born in the 1990s, the figure could reach 60 percent if the divorce rate remains high and non-marital childbearing continues its upward trend" (p. 11).
The importance of fathers in a home is immense. A father is more than a male parent. He is a patriarch to his family: a leader, a protector, a provider, and a bestower of love. The absence of a good father in a home has negative repercussions that affect the children most significantly, and in turn, society. According to a Gallup Poll taken in 1996, "79 percent of Americans believe the most significant family or social problem facing America is the physical absence of the father from the home, up from 69 percent in 1992" (Horn, 1997, p. 6). The National Fatherhood Initiative has reported that the majority of U.S. fathers spend only 10 minutes a day with their children (NFI qtd. by Johnson, 1997, p. 1). The problem of fatherlessness in America is a serious one that must be addressed with deeper commitments from fathers and greater support by the community.
The necessity for fathers, and the problems which families face without them are encompassed in three major areas: emotional, economical, and social. Despite the deep need, most fathers are faced with great struggles in trying to be a better dad. They must balance work with family, overcome social perceptions, work through divorce or unwed situations, or simply learn how to be a good dad. The possible solutions to this urgent problem of fatherlessness are not easy. All of them take personal commitment and hard work. First a father must make the commitment to his own family to be an active, supportive, and loving dad. He must do what he can to make his own work environment family friendly and supportive of fatherhood. In addition, the community must support fatherhood by acknowledging there is a problem, supporting fathers through father advocacy groups, and promoting government policies that encourage fathers and families.
The Need for Fathers:
Emotionally
The emotional need that a child has for his or her father is vital. A child being raised by one parent alone, quite often the mother because of divorce or unwed pregnancy, has not the benefits of a secure emotional haven, headed by both parents. The father offers emotional development which the mother cannot. Although the mother may be caring, loving, highly adept emotionally, and able to teach her children the traits, there are still some skills that only a father can pass on to his little ones. In so saying, I do not mean to take away from the importance of mothers, who are key to the emotional development of a child, and who most often teach their children how to deal with their emotions. It is just that fathers are key too. According to Dr. Robert A. Muehleisen, a clinical psychologist and a father of three children, "Studies suggest that fathers encourage independence and risk taking, and that they are especially adept at teaching problem solving skills" (Johnson, 1997, p. 2).
The best home for a child is one where both the mother and the father are happily married, actively and lovingly involved in the life of their child. Wade F. Horn, president of the National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), explains: "...research has consistently shown that children do best when reared with a combination of emotional warmth and behavioral control, they depend for their well being on a combination of mothers nurturance and fathers discipline" (Horn, 1997, p. 3).
Having a father physically play with his children at a young age has a significant impact on them in later years. I still remember as a little girl, being tossed into the air by my dad when he came home from work, and how this made me feel like he loved me and thought I was special. Emotionally, the rough-and-tumble bonding that a father can facilitate, fulfills a child's desire to feel loved and important. As Muehleisen explains, "When bonding experiences have been absent earlier in a youngsters life, there is often a hunger for them later on... My office is full of young men and women whose hunger for male attention and approval has led them onto destructive paths" (qtd. in Johnson, 1997, p. 3).
I have witnessed in the lives of my friends who have not grown up with a father, the difficulties they have faced and how it has affected their lives. For instance, one of my girlfriends is somewhat intimidated by male authority, such as male teachers at school. The level of uncertainty and insecurity she has experienced throughout her life, even with a strong, involved, loving mother, has definitely had its effect. As David Blankenhorn explains: "A fathers love and involvement builds a daughters confidence in her own femininity and contributes to her sense that she is worth loving... Consequently, women who have had good relationships with their fathers are less likely to engage in an anxious quest for male approval or to seek male affection through promiscuous sexual behavior (1995, p. 46). In a recent study conducted by Garfinkel and McLanahan of fatherless homes, they found that daughters of single parents are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 111% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have premarital birth, and 92% more likely to dissolve their own marriages (1994?, p. 3031).
The lack of a father has great impact on a son as well as a daughter, especially since the sons will grow up and become fathers themselves. A fathers love and belief in his son gives his son confidence in himself. The son is more likely to respect and listen to his father's council and encouragement, which will often translate into positive behavior. "Boys in particular need male role models. Without a father, who will help them define what it means to be a man? Fathers do things for their children that mothers often don't. It is men who teach boys how to be fathers" (Newsweek, 1993, qtd. in The Most Important Thing... ).
Although there are many successful, well adjusted children who have grown-up in single parent homes, it is still not the ideal situation for the children. Too often a single mother is struggling to provide for her family, and the children have little or no parental guidance. After school the children are either placed in a form of day-care or left to themselves. Often they feel alone and abandoned. This is a dangerous situation for that child, who is more likely to turn to gangs,drugs, sex, alcohol, violence, or whatever mischief will appease his or her inner aching. In a careful review of father absent research by Ronald J. and Jacqueline L. Angel, they concluded that "Children in single parent families suffer more psychiatric illness and are at a developmental disadvantage in comparison to children in two parent families. These children have more problems at school, have less self control, and engage in more delinquent acts than children who live with both parents. Children in father absent families are more vulnerable to peer pressure and are more easily led to commit delinquent acts than children with a father present (1993, p. 118).
This trend of fatherless children more susceptible to commit delinquent acts is supported by the number of fatherless men and young men in prison. A discussion of this consequence will be presented under the Social effects of fatherless homes. The lack of emotional development in the home due to a lacking father has social consequences.
Socially
The majority of our social problems stem from the problem of fatherlessness. The following facts are provided by the Virginia Fatherhood Initiative: 85% of all youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home, 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes, 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions are from fatherless homes, 71% of pregnant teenagers are from fatherless homes, 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes, 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers are from fatherless homes, 71% of all high school dropouts are from fatherless homes, 85% of children that exhibit antisocial or behavioral disorders are from fatherless homes (1996, p. 2).
According to the national Center for Fathering, Approximately 70 percent of incarcerated men grew up in a home without a father. Gordon Cameron, a prison minister, has visited Washington prison inmates since 1970. During his experiences, he has noted that "crime is only the boil that erupts from the inflammation of deeper problems," one being fatherlessness. He shares this story: "A friend of mine once spoke to a group of 25 inmates and asked them, 'If you have a father that cares about you, or if you had a father that cared about you, please raise your hand.' Not one man raised his hand" (p. 3). With a plain, old, simple good family man in your life, your chances of becoming involved in delinquent crime is greatly reduced.
In a personal telephone interview with Dr. Ronald Klinger, founder and president of the Center for Successful Fathering based in Austin, Texas, he made the point that in our society we tend to beat around the bush when it comes to youth violence (May 25, 1999). We blame guns, not enough prisons, low income families, and other social problems without ever getting to the root of the problem. He mentioned a large conference being held in Texas to bring together experts from all areas to discuss the problem of school violence in the wake of the Columbine High School shootings. Little is known about the parents of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, the two young men who killed 13 people at their high school on April 20. The solutions to school crime being discussed at the conference include gun control, greater school security, more in-school counselling, and anti-violence curriculum. Yet, none of these suggestions address the subject of fatherhood as a possible solution. As Blankenhorn put it, "Our society, ... is adamant about demanding more prisons but not very adamant at all about demanding more fathers (1995, p. 29).
In a Department of Education report, Fathers Involvement in Their Children's Schools released by Vice-President Al Gore on October 2, 1997, the results show that children whose fathers are actively involved in their education are more likely to enjoy school, get As, and participate in extracurricular activities and that fathers have a powerful role to play in single parent families when it comes to keeping children from being expelled or suspended from school (p. 1). Simply having a father visible in a school has been shown to have positive effects.
A child with a good father is often well socially adjusted. Having both a good father and a good mother is the best situation. A young child or teenager going out into the mad, mad world, with the knowledge that he or she is of worth and great importance to two individuals, can help the child resist the temptations to do drugs, alcohol, join gangs, demand attention in disruptive ways, or participate in violence. Such children may feel the need to belong to the crowd less. Although children with loving parents who have a strong marriage, and are very involved in their child's life, still occasionally "go astray," this is the exception rather than the rule. The greater majority of children who grow up in such an ideal atmosphere, benefit tremendously from it. They grow up to become good fathers and mothers themselves, passing on a legacy of love.
Economically
Without the father as a breadwinner, many families suffer. Fatherless children are five times more likely to be poor (Horn, 1997, p. 4). These children often suffer due to the lack of financial support, or they suffer due to the absence of their working mother and absent father. If their mom is gone most of the time, just trying to make ends meet, they must deal with an absent mother in addition to an absent father. Again, the social repercussions, a few of which were explained above, are immense.
In 1992, 13% of children under the age of six in married-couple homes in the United States lived in poverty, compared to 66% of children under the age of six living in poverty in a single-mother home (U.S. Bureau of the Census, x). The opportunities that are not offered in life put these single mother families at a serious disadvantage. Their opportunities for a good education, good housing, and a decent lifestyle are hindered. Often, such a family can only afford low-income housing in the worst parts of a city, where the children are more exposed to violence, gangs, and other inner-city problems. All too often this is because the father is not paying his child support fees, and even if he is, they may not be sufficient when added to the mothers meager income.
Single-mothers who cannot provide enough for their family is the sad extreme. But there are also many middle-class, even a few upper-class single-mother homes were the mothers are well equipped to provide financially for their families. Still, this does not make up for the lack of a father. It is a great blessing for a single mother to be able to provide adequate finances for her family so that they will not experience financial insecurity. But the emotional and social guidance which a father can provide for his children, is not replaced by their mothers competence in providing for them.
Despite the family's need for adequate income, a more important need is for the children to feel secure in their parents love for them. Wade F. Horn explains, "Even after controlling for income, children with absent fathers fared worse than those who grew up with both a man and a dad" (1997, p. 4). Whether rich or poor, a loving father is a blessing to his children when he spends time with them and expresses his love for them.
The Problems Fathers Face
Balancing Work and Family
The troubles fathers experience in balancing their families and work is illustrated in a story I recently heard in my sociology course. A father returning home from work one day was met by his angry teenage daughter who was fed up with her father's absence. "I've calculated out the time you spend with me on average every day, and it doesn't amount to more than 17 seconds!" she yelled incredulously. To this the father was greatly annoyed and replied, "But I spend all the time at the office for you! So that you can wear designer clothes, drive your own car to school, and live in a comfortable neighborhood!" Apparently the daughter did not appreciate these benefits of her father's behavior.
This situation is not all too uncommon for financially successful fathers who find the pressures at work and the lure of money more compelling than their role as father. The office becomes their home and their work is their love. The responsibilities of raising their children falls primarily on the mother. Even fathers who feel no compelling need to place making money above their duty as a father, experience stresses at work that can pull them away from their family. According to the National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), "Today's father faces pressures at work that fathers a generation ago never faced...Absenteeism, tardiness, and a distracted employee are all symptoms of a father tugging with these tensions" (1999, p. 1, qtd. in Creating a Father Friendly Workplace).
James A. Levine and Todd L. Pittninsky, authors of Working Fathers, and regular presenters of the Daddy Stress/Daddy Success seminars to prominent companies such as Merrill Lynch and Apple Computer, recognized the conflict working fathers often run into: "Men did want to succeed as providers; it was crucial to their identity as men and as fathers. But they wanted something more: an involvement and relationship with their children" (1997, p. 3). Many fathers have learned to balance work and family so well, that it is not an issue for them. I personally know a prominent Microsoft worker in the linguistics division who, although occupying a very demanding job, still makes the time to be with his family, help his wife, and attend all his children's concerts or games. However, in a 1993 national survey administered by the Families and Work Institute (FWI), it was discovered that in a traditional family, one with a working father and stay at home mother, one fifth experienced a lot of conflict and two fifths some conflict.
There is no easy way to balance work and family. A dad must decide which one is more important to him. If he continues to climb the ladder of financial success and corporate respect, at the expense of his family, he will be contributing to the disintegration of his family. If he sacrifices his personal ambitions by putting his family first, going home for dinner, planning a date with his wife, and attending his daughters softball game for example, he will be promoting the health and happiness of the ones he loves, as well as the society in which he lives.
In addition to the overambitious father, there is the father who by necessity must work long and hard hours simply to pay the bills. His predicament may not be necessarily by his own choosing. For example, he may be a low income father, who must support his wife and several children on a meager income. Just to make ends meet, he must work several jobs. He is tied down by his work. Yet despite this strain, there are many efforts he can make to show his children how he loves them. However, even in this case he can show love and encouragement to his children by spending his free time with them, writing them notes, spending at least one evening a week with them, and showing love and respect for his wife. He can work with his employer to make his working environment more flexible and conducive to family life. Just by staying away from alcohol, drugs, violence, and by earning an honest living, he makes their home a better than average place to grow up in.
Social Perceptions
Unfortunately, the role of fathers has been down graded in our society. This is linked to societies increasing value of the successful career woman above the humble stay at home mom. Without valuing the role of wife and mother as one of the highest roles in our society, we are less likely to value the importance of a husband and father, who should work along side her in the family. Likewise, when we elevate the role of women as mothers, we simultaneously elevate the role of men as fathers, and the family all together. According to Professor Donna Lero of the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada, "The biggest roadblocks to active participation by fathers in child care still are sociocultural in terms of how fathers see themselves" (Glossop & Theilheimer, n.d., p. 1).
Too often fathers are told that they are unneeded. It is blatantly proclaimed that children do just as well without fathers, and sometimes even better. Mothers are believed to be sufficient. Of course this isn't true. Both good fathers and good mothers, a male and a female figure, are needed in a child's life, especially for emotional stability. Fathers have to overcome many social messages that subtly reinforce their ineptness at parenting (Johnson, 1997, p. 2). Says Muehleisen, "Fathers have a special responsibility to their sons in an age where manhood is regarded by some as a social disease. The ability to be protective and nurturing while retaining the strength that makes us an object of admiration rather than fear is the biggest challenge for fathers today" (qtd. in Johnson, 1997, p. 5).
Divorce or Unwed Situations
In 85% of all divorces, the mother retains full custody of the children (Horn, 1999, p. 3). The father's opportunities to see his children may be restricted by child visitation rights which can be unaccommodating. Even so, it is necessary that the father do all in his power to see his children and be involved in their lives. Paying the required child support fees is an important economic support mechanism, especially when considering that in 1990s the median income for a single-mother was $13,092, and in 9 years that figure may not have increased significantly. In addition to the importance of providing for ones family, a divorced father can do many things to be involved in his child life and let him or her know how he cares by making his children a priority. But it may be awkward, and much harder than during marriage. Blankenhorn shares these observations, "...the challenge facing the visiting father is to devise...an entirely new family household for those occasions when his children come to visit. He must start over, reinvent everything, construct an alternative family life for his children--complete with new rules...new expectations, and new father-child relationships... he must accomplish this feat in a home in which his children do not live, during arbitrary time fragments of, say, two days every other week" (1995, p. 157).
The unwed father poses other difficulties. Sometimes the unwed father chooses the easier route of assuming little or no responsibility as father and parent of this new child. These fathers are nicknamed "Deadbeat Dads." Because these fathers have never had a specific obligation to the mother, the marriage, or the children, some of them disappear altogether. As Blankenhorn quoted in his book, "Sometime during the mid-1990s, if current trends continue, the total number of father-absent homes created by unwed childbearing will surpass the number created by divorce" (1995, p. 132) Not all unwed fathers are deadbeat, uninvolved dads. Many of them feel the responsibility and respond to it, but just not enough.
Don't Know How to be Good Fathers
One occasionally looked over barrier between being a good father, is simply knowing how to be one. As Fitzhugh Dodson explains, "No one is born a good father. To be a good father is a matter of patience, study and love" (qtd. in Child & Family, p. 3).
In a study conducted by Larson and Richards regarding the encounters between teenagers and their fathers, they found that the fathers traditional role as leader, teacher, disciplinarian, and motivator were interpreted as overbearing power plays by many teenagers (Sandmaier, 1996, p. 3). "Consequently, says Larson, a hazardous perception gap frequently emerges between fathers and teens in which 'fathers experience themselves as truly engaged and effective, while their adolescents feel unheard, misunderstood, and angry at being steamrollered and, ultimately, lose faith that their fathers can help them'" (Sandmaier, 1996, p. 3).
In many cases a boy has grown up fatherless, and thus has no example of how to be a father. Jack Monagle, 52, an Irish American living in the same town he grew up with shares his experiences. "My father never talked to me. Never. My senior year, when I made varsity football, it was one of the proudest things I ever did as a kid. Making that team! And my dad never came to a game. Not ONE. The only thing he ever did was let you know when you were doin' wrong, with the belt. To the point where, when I turned 18, I just left. I wanted away from him. I hated him. My son was going to know I cared."
Despite his resolution to be a better dad than his father had been to him, and his many efforts, his oldest son Mike had a drinking and drug problem by age 16. It took family therapy for Jack to learn where his son was coming from. His son Mike said, "I told him, 'You scare the hell out of me. Around you, I just freeze up.'" Mike's version of reality included his fear at his fathers lectures when his father would storm into his bedroom and begin yelling. "...when Mike would try to speak, his father would shout him down, yell right over his attempts to explain his point of view... Mike felt a confused mixture of anger, importance and failure, and like a bitter disappointment to his father and to himself." Jack, his father, was shocked at this interpretation of his efforts to help his son. He said, "What my son didn't get was that I was trying to show him I was THERE for him. Because I hated to see what he was in for, down the road." (Sandmaier, 1996, p. 4-5).
This situation is not too uncommon. It is a great, often discouraging challenge for a fatherless child to grow up and become a good father himself, even when he has the best of intentions to do so. Unfortunately this problem will increase as there are more fatherless children.
What Must Be Done
What Fathers Must Do
The first step a father must take to becoming a better dad, is to make the personal commitment to his family. That includes his wife and his children. He must commit to spend his time with them, affirm and compliment them, show his love for them, make what is important to them important to him, serve them, show his affection for them, love their mother, teach them, respect them, and be an example to them of positive characteristics. This is not a petty commitment. It takes patience, time, heartache, and prayers. Even then the outcomes are not perfect. The most important thing is that the father is doing his best, and is fully committed to his family. Suzanne Smitley, PhD, a clinical psychologist suggest, "What's important is that fathers are willing to spend time with their children in any activities that can be tailored to the child developmental level, praising them, enjoying each others company, collaborating" (qtd. in Johnson, 1997, p. 3).
Once committing to being an active and loving father, the work begins. A father must seek to be a good father and express his love and concern for his children in a way which his children appreciate it. Sometimes a father may consider himself a good dad who is actively involved and communicates his love to his children, when in fact, his children need him to communicate his love and efforts in different ways. Such was the case with Jack and Mike Monagle mentioned above. Listening, truly listening to children and hearing their feelings and fears may be a revealing experience. You cannot address a problem when you don't really understand what the problem is. Most importantly, don't give up when things get tough. There have been many cases of success stories from parents who refused to give in. Marian Sandmaier in her article "The Great Divide: More Than Love" explains, "These parents have been baffled--even stymied--by the worlds their sons and daughters inhabit, and along the way have mad costly mistakes. Nonetheless... in the persistent willingness of these parents to listen differently, confront their own limits and take the necessary measures to earn a child's trust, they may help us enlarge our own vision of what it takes, today, to be a mother or a father" (Sandmaier, 1996, p. 4).
In a pamphlet put out by the National Fatherhood Initiative, ten suggestions were given to be a better dad. A few included: respect their mother, discipline with love, be a role model, eat together, show affection, and realize that a father's job is never done. All of these are necessary to being a good father. In particular, respecting their mother and working to maintain a strong marriage will provide children with a sense of security and will reduce the possibility of divorce. Spending time together as a family during mealtime or while reading a story provides a time for the father to communicate with his children his love and concern. Beginning the tradition of a "family night" where no family members are absent, but one evening a week is spent in a family activity together, will do wonders to keep a family closer together.
A father can make his work place more "family/father-friendly" by initiating fatherhood education seminars, lobbying for paternal leave and flex-time, implementing a "Child to Work Day," and increasing his co workers awareness and appreciation of the role of fatherhood (NFI, Creating a Father-Friendly...,1998) A father can also create a father-support group, seek family therapy to help him become a better father, or join a father advocacy group to encourage fatherhood in his community.
What the Community Must Do for Their Fathers
Perhaps the second largest problem that must change before fatherhood is recognizing as a vital part of our society, is the change in our culture's attitude. Fatherhood must be esteemed and promoted, and become an integral part of our society. Good fathers must be honored and emulated. We must place Fatherhood and Motherhood as a priority. Father advocacy programs must be supported. State Fatherhood Initiatives can be encouraged. Schools can become more accessible to parents who desire to become more involved. Government policies such as stronger marriage laws to decrease divorce and work-flexibility laws that support the family or the father should be sustained. The work environment must become more family and father-friendly with parental leave programs, flexible work hours, father-support groups, and even health benefit programs. Ask employer and become aware of the efforts your work place is making to support a family friendly working environment More citizens must become involved in the fatherhood movement, educating themselves on the necessity and blessings of a father, and then sharing it with their neighbors.
Become a father mentor to developing dads, or joining a local father advocacy program such as the Institute for Responsible Fatherhood and Family Revitalization where unwed fathers are supported in becoming full time dads. There are many programs out there that are making a difference, and this is one of them. The president, Charles Ballard explains "Deeply imbedded in the mind of all men is the desire to serve, to nurture, to take care, to protect. We work untiringly with each father to create environments that bring out the very best. Their response is always positive" (Levine, 1995, p. 115).
Family First
As Margaret Mead understood it, the supreme test of any civilization is whether it can socialize men by teaching them to be fathers (1969, p. 190). Fathers are necessary and vital to the well being of children. Now in the United States we are facing a crucial time in history were we must make the required efforts to support responsible and involved fatherhood. David Blankenhorn puts it this way: "The core question is simple: Does every child need a father? Increasingly, our societies answer is no, or at least not necessarily. Few idea shifts in this century are as consequential as this one. At stake is nothing less than what it means to be a man, who our children will be, and what kind of society we will become" ( 1996, p. 2). The National Fatherhood Initiatives motto sums it up in these words, "Fathers change the world one child at a time."